When Fear Saw Fear
Pastor Llewellyn Roberts
14 April 2024
I grew up in the church, but I spent my youth and young adult life in the world. I tried to find true peace and a place of joy. Not just happiness, but genuine joy. That joy that Jesus talks about is unspeakable and full of joy. I wanted that joy. I wanted peace in my life. I sought inner peace through drugs trying to find my peace and joy. I was searching for that perfect peace that drives out fear. I spent my life in gangs, drugs, clubs, pubs, and beer. I eventually got to the place in my life where I decided I was going to commit suicide because I couldn’t find peace.
The Turning Point
One fateful night, overwhelmed by a concoction of drugs, I stood on the brink of ending my life. Standing in a room with a table full of cocaine, I was looking for peace and I believed that death would give me peace. I thought, “I’m going to get high and I’m going into heaven.” But I didn’t want to go to heaven for the reason you would think. I wanted to go to heaven, to stand face to face with God, and yell at Him, “You’re a liar. You haven’t told the truth. I’ve never experienced love in Your church. I’ve never experienced Your peace. I’ve only experienced molestation in Your church. No one believed me because the molester sang in the choir. I’ve only found sadness, anger, and disappointment. I have never had peace or joy, even though I’ve searched for it all my life. You said You’re a God of love, but I don’t believe You! I’ve been in Your church, but I’ve never experienced Your love!”
Fear Doesn’t Save You
Earlier in my life, I had tried to give my life to Him but now I realise I had done so out of fear. This false surrender came as I was dying from an overdose on cocaine. When that happens, your heart just goes faster and faster and then it just stops. As I began to die, my feet went cold, and I could feel the cold growing up into my body. As the cold grew, the ground opened, and I saw a tunnel going down to hell. A demon came up to fetch me with absolute glee on its face. I tried to say the Name of Jesus and as the demon got to the entrance of the tunnel, I whispered, “Jesus!” Hell’s entrance closed but I was still full of so much fear. After that, I tried to be a Christian out of fear, but it didn’t work. I never felt the peace of God and never felt His love. I needed to encounter the love of God.
You see, the devil hates us with a single-minded purpose. The only thing the devil can give you is agitation, fear, and torment. Only Jesus can give us perfect peace. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27.
Coming back to that suicidal room, I decided not just to end my suffering but to confront God with my pain, accusing Him of abandoning me. But it was not to end there. As I stood ready to commit suicide, my phone began to ring and ring. All I wanted was some peace and quiet, but the phone just kept ringing. Eventually I got irritated and answered the phone.
A Call and A Cry
At the other end of the phone call was my newly saved friend. He said to me, “Llewellyn, I care about you.” This hit me hard because, as guys, we don’t tell each other we love each other. As I walked from the phone back to the table of cocaine, I heard a still small voice say, “Llewellyn, just call My Name one more time. I know you’re in a place of disappointment. I know you’ve reached the end, but just call Me.” I fell on my knees, and I said, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!” Then I felt this wind wash over me like water. It felt like wind, but it was liquid love, peace, and joy overwhelming me. I’d never experienced this before, and this is what I’ve been searching for my whole life. I’d been searching for this peace. I’d been searching for this joy. And it was just in calling upon His Name that I found it.
From Blind to Seeing!
My family had all gone to America, so I broke into my dad’s flat, kicked open the door, and I went and found the Bible. I attempted to read the Bible, but my eyes were too blurred. I couldn’t see. The Bible says that the god of this world has blinded the mind of the unbeliever (2 Corinthians 4:4). So, the unbeliever cannot see the light of the glorious gospel. The devil will blind your mind, so that you cannot see, you cannot realise, you cannot understand, you cannot have a revelation of the love of God. He blinds your mind to the love of God. I decided I was going to put on an audio Bible, so I went and found my dad’s 8-track tapes. I put them on and listened to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Playing them over and over again. Even though I was blinded, and my eyes were dulled, I just listened to the Word as I lay on my dad’s bed.
As I lay in that room, I woke up and the Bible tape had stopped. It felt like a hand was pushing me into the bed, pushing me down into that place. I had no control over my mind. My mind just was saying to me, “Fall into the blackness.” I looked to the left of me and there was this huge dark being next to the bed and its long red tongue hung out of its mouth. It was licking my hand. As I woke up, the being stood up, massive at the foot of the bed.
I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t even think straight. This thing looked at me and said, “Give me yourself; spirit, soul, and body, and I’ll give you anything you want.” At that moment, I knew that I could have anything in this world. This spirit, this dark, demonic being, this fallen angel, could give me anything I wanted in the world. It would give me money, fame, success, whatever I wanted. Also, in that moment, I realized that I would lose my peace and I would lose my joy.
And I lay there, I was totally powerless as this thing kept speaking to me. I heard a voice on the inside of me. A quiet and still voice said, “Just use My Name, Llewellyn.” I looked at this being, and I said, “In the Name…” I saw fear come into fear’s eyes. In great fear, the being began to speak faster, saying, “Give me yourself: spirit, soul and body.” I said, “In the Name of Jesus Christ, whose I am and who I serve. I command you in the Name of Jesus, go!” Then this thing ran like the dog it was and I jumped out of that bed totally free. The joy and peace of God overflowed in my life. God dealt with me from that day. God began to remove things out of my life that were there that shouldn’t be there, smoking and drinking and all those things. He began to work on the inside of me. The reason I’m sharing that story today is because, as believers, regardless of our age in God, we have been granted authority.
Authority Over Darkness
Emerging from the shadows of my past, I came to realise that every believer is endued with an authority that comes directly from Christ. This authority is a practical empowerment designed to conquer the forces of darkness that we encounter daily. Through Christ’s strength, we have the power to restore peace in chaos and illuminate the darkest corners of existence. As stated in Luke 10:19, “Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”
The Armour of God
In my journey, I’ve learned that wearing the full armour of God is essential for both our spiritual endurance and victory. Each piece—the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, shoes fitted with the readiness of the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit—plays a pivotal role. This armour defends us and also empowers us to confidently stand against all the devil’s schemes. Ephesians 6:13-17 instructs, “Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
Claiming Victory
Victory in Christ demands active engagement. By understanding and wielding the authority granted to us, we can confront any challenge empowered not by our might, but through the Holy Spirit. We are called to be conquerors, claiming victory over our personal battles and extending this triumph to aid others in need. Romans 8:37 assures us, “Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
An Invitation to Salvation
If you haven’t yet opened your heart to Jesus, I invite you to do so now. Embrace His peace, joy, and the new life He offers. No matter how deep the valleys you have traversed, His love can reach and restore you. Romans 10:9 promises, “That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Walking in Authority
As you navigate the week ahead, remember the authority and peace you possess as a child of God. Share the good news, and boldly utilise your God-given power to effect change. Let us walk confidently in the victory and authority that Jesus has given us, bringing light to those around us and glorifying God in every action. May God bless you with a week filled with His presence and peace, as Philippians 4:7 reminds us, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”